2 years. It’s been over 2 years since a wee angel imprinted my life and forever changed me. A wee angel whom I was grateful to have carried with me for 10 short weeks. One whom I never expected could impact my life the way she had. In 10 weeks we’d grown such a bond. I started mapping out how my life would change having another baby join our family. The pregnancy was totally unexpected, albeit a welcomed surprise. Our daughter at the time was only 6 months, but that was okay. Many families had 2 children under 2 and they survived.
March 11, 2010.
It was rainy and dreary day. Cadence and I had gone over to my friend Jacqueline’s house for play date.
12PM. Something began to feel seriously wrong. I had excruciating cramps. They weren’t constant, but enough that they left my winded. They were coming on in 10 minute intervals. I packed up our things and Cadence and I headed home. I put Cadence down for a nap and tried to lie down myself.
3PM. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The cramps were getting worse and more consistent. I called my husband at work. I was a ball of tears. I was scared. I felt so alone. It hurt so bad and I just wanted it to stop. I hated that my daughter had to witness my discomfort.
4PM. My husband walked through the door. I didn’t even give him a chance to say hello. I practically threw Cadence at him and dashed for the bathroom. The moment I sat down there was a gush. The toilet was a sea of red. Moments later another gush followed. I knew the pregnancy was over, I wanted so badly for it all to be a very bad dream. I wanted someone to pinch me and snap me out of this horrible nightmare. No one could shake me from it. This was reality.
I brought myself to wipe. A part of me had to look at the tissue. What I saw will never, ever be erased from my mind. There on the tissue lied my baby. The itty bitty tiny fetus. I remember it vividly. The eye buds. The leg buds. The arm buds. My tiny baby looked so still. So perfect. I remember thinking… This can’t be happening. I let out a blood curdling howl and broke down into sobs. I couldn’t bring myself to do. I couldn’t bring myself to flush the fetus down the toilet. My husband came running and just held me.
I know many did not understand how I chose to grieve. I sheltered myself. I cried a lot. I wrote on my blog often. I just didn’t want to talk out loud about my loss, nor did I want reminders of it. I didn’t want flowers because flowers died. I didn’t want thinking of you notes. I wanted absolutely nothing. I just wanted to be left alone. I became a very cold person.
For months following the loss… I felt numb, alone, broken. I felt like the world didn’t understand me. They didn’t. Some awful things were said to me following the loss. Salt was rubbed in the wounds. Salt that was not needed. For the most part though my friends and some of my family were supportive and amazing. I’m forever grateful for that.
I just ask that if you ever know someone in your life going through a miscarriage, please do not blame them for it. Seriously, it’s the worst thing you can do.
The last thing I ever wanted to experience was a miscarriage. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Today I’m feeling a sense of relief. I can’t say I feel closure. I doubt I ever will. There are still many unanswered questions lingering in my mind. Questions that no one will ever be able to provide me an answer to. While I do still hurt, I am coping with my grief in a different way. I’m seeing everything in a different light. My miscarriage changed me. It has taught me a lot about myself. It has shown me who my true friends are (sad, but true). It’s given me a new appreciation for life.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my angel baby. I carry her memory in my heart everywhere. We may have had a very short time together, but I grew to love her the same as I do my other children.
I’ll be spending the day snuggling my little ones. I’m so blessed to have both Cadence and Cameron in my life. If I hadn’t lost this baby, Cameron wouldn’t be here right now. I can’t even imagine that. I hate the saying – “everything happens for a reason”, but in this scenario I feel it applies in essence.
My children have had a strong sense that something has been bothering me this week. Let’s face it… something has. Anniversaries of loss are never be easy. Despite my unpleasantries, my kids have gone out of their way to make me smile. They really are the sweetest and so full of love. Truly blessed.
Time may have healed my pain, but the memories will always remain. Today, I remember.