Today is a very bittersweet day… That brings with it a lot of answers and some closure. As most of you already know I found out mid-January that JM and I were expecting our second in early October 2010. Except late-February things started to take a turn for the worse, and after weeks of living with uncertainty and being on bed rest I miscarried naturally on March 11th… a day I certainly will never forget…
For weeks now I’ve been going bi-weekly to have blood work done to recheck that my betas were decreasing. They’d dropped drastically at first, but then started to slow down a fair bit. The doctor was concerned that I had retained tissue, and that an intervention might have been needed. Two weeks ago my HCG levels were still sitting at 9, and the doctor sent me for one final test this past Tuesday to check for decrease before sending me for an ultrasound and to discuss intervention. For the past few days, I’ve been a nervous wreck and a ball of emotions. I was trying to remain strong and think positive, but it’s hard when you face the unknown. Uncertainty could kill a person (well, not literally… but you get the gist of what I mean). Anyway, my doctors office just called. They received my results. My levels are back in normal range. They’re not yet at 0, but they are at 3. The doctor doesn’t need me to do any repeat blood work or ultrasounds. They only told me to call should I not get my period… to which I did a little over a week ago while we were in Mexico.
Oddly enough receiving these results gives me a wee bit of closure. I know for sure now that it’s over… it’s now medically been confirmed. While the thought of that really
stings hurts… I know it is okay to move on now. Nothing can begin to describe how much hurt I’m feeling inside, and how much I miss my lil’ angel… But I know with time the pain will fade and with that I will carry on her (yes, her – I had a strong feeling it was a girl) memories with me.
I give C an extra big squeeze every day and realize what a true little blessing she really is. Words cannot describe the comfort we have with her being in our lives. She’s loved more than words can truly describe.