I’ll never forget how I felt the days after Cameron was born. I was so elated and overjoyed to have him join our little family. He was so perfect. So everything. He didn’t like sleeping solo. I embraced it. He would wake quite often at night. I’m talking 9 or more times. He would cry non-stop during the day. I would snuggle and try to comfort him endlessly. In trying to care for him, I forgot to take care of myself. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t taking time for me.
6 days after his birth my midwife came by for a home visit. She asked me how I was feeling. It wasn’t until she asked that I stopped and thought about it. I could feel my eyes start to well up. The tears burning as they streamed down my cheeks. I broke down. I was exhausted. Cadence had been such an easier baby. I wasn’t the napping type. I hated accepting help. I felt alone. I was so happy and in love with my bouncing baby boy, but under it all I was also quite sad.
Weeks passed by and Cameron continually got worse. He’d scream for hours on end. Non-stop. He’d projectile after every feed. I was always trapped under him. He never wanted to be left alone. My baby carrier became a god sent. It was my saving grace. The only way I could get anything done. Of course this only fed Cadence’s jealousy. I was afraid to leave my house. Every time I did someone would make a snide comment about my screaming baby. It only added fuel to the fire. It felt like no one understood.
I fought with doctors tirelessly for almost two months. Insisting that something was wrong. They didn’t want to listen. They told me it was colic. He would get better on his own. As time went by, it only got worse. Cameron stopped gaining. He couldn’t digest anything. He was in so much discomfort. I would cry in the shower almost every opportunity I got. I was at my wits end. I felt alone. I felt lost. I felt like it was the world against us. No mother should have to feel that way.
I wound up taking Cameron to the doctor for the tenth time. This time I wasn’t leaving until the doctor listened. She tried telling me it was my problem. He was fine. He wasn’t losing weight so really there was no need for him to be put on medication. She kept trying to feed me bullshit… until... Cameron projectiled all over me and all over her office. Wouldn’t you know it… she changed her tune. She wrote me up a prescription of Ranitidine.
Ranitidine wasn’t as effective as I had hoped. It worked, but not to the full extent. It was an improvement. Improvement that was welcomed.
When Cameron turned 7 months it was like a switch went off. The colic was gone. The severe reflux issues started to calm. Cameron became a happy baby with a huge sense of humour. He was someone I was eager to learn more about. We needed to make up for lost time. He started to sleep better at night. I began looking forward to each day, rather than dreading them. My PPD started to dwindle. I felt like a great Mom again… no longer a failure. It felt like a dream. Too good to be true.
Being a new Mom can be so hard, but it does get better. I’m living proof of that. Try your best to embrace all the little moments. Enjoy those extra cuddles and snuggles. Accept help when offered. If it’s not offered… don’t be afraid to ask. If you believe something isn’t right, don’t let someone tell you your motherly instincts are wrong. Moms know what is in the best interest of their child. Stand up for that. You may feel so lost in the beginning, but this too shall pass. Remember that. Your little baby won’t be so little forever. One day you’ll look back and it will all be a blur. You’ll wonder how your child got to be so mobile and so grown up. You’ll wish you could freeze time. I know I do!
So take my hand… trust me… we’ll make it I swear!