It’s over. It never had a real chance to begin. So for me to really say it’s over just seems out of character.
I haven’t really felt all that well lately. I started feeling off on Saturday morning, and it’s gotten progressively worse. It wasn’t the traditional cold or flu that I was feeling. I suffered random migraines, spells of vertigo, nausea and horrible cramps. Being that I was “late” (if you would even call it that… my cycles are completely wonky), I tested on Sunday. Negative. I tested again late on Monday. Faint positive. I didn’t really think much of it and brushed it off. It was a dollar store test and figured it was probably an evaporation line.
As the days past my cramps started getting unbearable to the point that I’d find myself having to breathe through some of them. By Wednesday night, I started passing tissue and the bright red bleeding started. Much heavier than normal.
I’d experienced a chemical pregnancy.
Miscarriage is something that is all too familiar to me. I experienced an early miscarriage in 2008 and a traumatizing miscarriage at 10 weeks in 2010.
Oddly… I’m feeling pretty o.k. emotionally. I think I’m more in denial than anything else. It was over before it really began. I wasn’t bonded. We weren’t trying. Sure the situation totally sucks. I have a lot on my mind. I’m in denial. I’m relieved. Sounds contradictory, oh, I know…
Going through these emotions… I can totally tell you that in no way am I ready to be pregnant again. I’m not ready to try for a third. Sure seeing all those cute pregnant bellies surrounding me in my group of friends and family does induce my baby fever… but that’s just it… baby fever.
I have two beautiful children that I am enjoying… y’know watching them grow, learn, develop and all that other fun stuff. I’m content. I’m back in school. Pursuing my dreams and finding the ‘me’ in motherhood.
Life is pretty perfect just the way it is right now. Well as perfect as it can be…
I’m okay. Really.