My dear sweet angel,
You would’ve been turning ONE in a few weeks. We should have had your birthday theme all planned out, been awaiting RSVPs to your party, and watching you blossom in a young little lady or man… Rather we are left with your memory.
I’ve had many ups and downs since I lost you. I guess that’s expected, but I never thought it would be so hard. I still can vividly remember how you looked when I lost you. You were so tiny, so limp, so perfect. The what ifs still flood my mind. If I had never got that H1N1 shot, would you still be here? Was it something I did? There’s so many questions I still want answered, albeit I know they never will be.
Your Daddy and I still speak of you often. He’s such a great father. He misses you much more than he lets on.
Your bouncing baby brother joined our family in February. He really knows how to make your Mommy smile in the most trying of moments, as does you sister. Your siblings are beautiful little blessings.One day when they’re old enough to understand, I’ll speak often of you to them.
I was so naive before I lost you. I always anticipated it’d be so much easier to move on. That’s far from the case. I don’t know if it’s because I lost you so close to the second trimester; or if it’s because I held you when I lost you. I just can’t shake it. There are no real words to describe the emotion. I’ll always carry your memories with me. As each milestone date approaches – whether it be your due date, date of loss, etc. – the hurt and tears surface. I can only be so strong. We miss you.
I hope your Auntie Danielle and all the other angels up there in heaven throw you a wicked party on October 10th.