My dear sweet angel,

You would’ve been turning ONE in a few weeks. We should have had your birthday theme all planned out, been awaiting RSVPs to your party, and watching you blossom in a young little lady or man… Rather we are left with your memory.

I’ve had many ups and downs since I lost you. I guess that’s expected, but I never thought it would be so hard.  I still can vividly remember how you looked when I lost you. You were so tiny, so limp, so perfect. The what ifs still flood my mind. If I had never got that H1N1 shot, would you still be here? Was it something I did? There’s so many questions I still want answered, albeit I know they never will be.

Your Daddy and I still speak of you often. He’s such a great father. He misses you much more than he lets on.

Your bouncing baby brother joined our family in February. He really knows how to make your Mommy smile in the most trying of moments, as does you sister. Your siblings are beautiful little blessings.One day when they’re old enough to understand, I’ll speak often of you to them.

I was so naive before I lost you. I always anticipated it’d be so much easier to move on. That’s far from the case. I don’t know if it’s because I lost you so close to the second trimester; or if it’s because I held you when I lost you. I just can’t shake it. There are no real words to describe the emotion. I’ll always carry your memories with me. As each milestone date approaches – whether it be your due date, date of loss, etc. – the hurt and tears surface. I can only be so strong. We miss you.

I hope your Auntie Danielle and all the other angels up there in heaven throw you a wicked party on October 10th.

Love, Mommy

1 Comment on Sweet Angel of Mine

  1. Corrie
    September 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm (6 years ago)

    Hi Nicole!
    I too am going through those emotions. I lost a child almost 20 years ago. Yep. I was 16 when I first got pregnant. I remember the day he/she was conceived, the day he/she was taken from me and the day he/she was due. The due date was around now. Even after all those years I still think about how my life may have been. Every Christmas and Valentines Day bring back the memories of what could have been. Now I have been blessed with a daughter and a son just like you. They are everything in this world to me and I am so happy to be a mom to them.
    It’s okay to feel what you are feeling and believe me you will always remember. It’s good to know you are not alone. It’s good to have a way to express to others too. This posting has helped me a lot! Thanks! God bless your little angel.

    Reply

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