Dear My Sweet, Sweet Little Angel:

Today is a day that I have been awaiting with both fear and anticipation. I was not sure how I would handle it or how I would feel. The truth is I hurt pretty damn bad inside.

Today was the day that I should be meeting you, holding you in my arms for the first time. Hearing you cry, feeling your breath, touching your skin, and smelling your newborn smell. Instead here I am writing you this letter thinking of what could have been.


I had you with me for a short 10 weeks. You were wanted so very badly.


I still remember all to well when I realized something was wrong. I just didn’t feel right.  I awoke that morning to a severe upper abdominal cramp and a burning sensation in my nether-region. I made an emergency appointment to see the doctor.  She did an internal, saw no reason for how I was feeling and sent me for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech was absolutely useless. He was so rough with me. It honestly felt like he ripped me inside from the internal ultrasound. The results from the ultrasound came back inconclusive. I knew leaving the clinic that it was over. I called your Daddy bawling. I knew right then, it was over. Everyone tried so hard to give me hope, but I knew deep down you were gone. 

I got sent back for an ultrasound at a more credible clinic two weeks later. I will never forget that day. I was by myself walking into the room. Your Daddy and sister waited in the lounge. The lady put the wand on my belly and I saw you right away. You were just so still. I looked so hard for the flicker of your heart, but there was nothing. The technician tried for what seemed forever to try to pick up something up. She even printed me pictures and told me that I was just measuring a little further behind and that the heartbeat was too slow to determine. I told her I knew the inevitable was going to happen, but she couldn’t confirm it for me. I left the clinic holding ultrasound pictures of my baby whom had already spread their wings. It was a difficult drive home with your Daddy and sister.

About a week after the ultrasound, I still hadn’t received the results.  I started bleeding red, so I called the doctor and she ordered the results be on her desk. I went in to see her the next day, and at that point she informed me that she no longer had any hope for the pregnancy and prepared me for natural miscarriage.


I still remember the day I lost you all to well. It was a very cold and rainy Thursday, March 11th. It was around 12PM and I started to feel really crampy. By 3PM, I was in unbearable pain – it felt like I was having one big contraction that just wouldn’t let up. I had to call for your Daddy to come home from work. I just couldn’t function. Your Daddy walked through the door shortly after 4PM, and I passed your sister to him and ran straight for the bathroom. The moment I sat on the toilet, I felt a big gush. I looked in the toilet to see a sea of red. It was over. You were gone. I wiped. I decided to look at the tissue, and there you were lying limp. I can still picture you vividly; your tiny face, body and little eye, arm, legs buds.  It was so hard for me to say goodbye and let you go, I had to have your Daddy do it for me.

Today what I have left is your memory. Something I will never forget.

I am now carrying your baby brother. Things are going well, but I am feeling very nervous and worry constantly about something going terribly wrong. I guess all I can do is just put my faith in that he will join me here in February. 

What would you have looked like today? Would you have had your sister’s bald head? Her dimples and beautiful smile? Would you have been a petite baby? Would’ve been dirty blonde too? 

I guess I will find out one day when I will finally get to hold you in my arms, and hold you for all of eternity. I will see you one day when my time comes.

You go off now, and have fun playing with the angels now sweetheart…

I love you and miss you very much!

Mommy

xoxox




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