Today is a day that I have been awaiting with both fear and anticipation. I was not sure how I would handle it or how I would feel. The truth is I hurt pretty damn bad inside.
I had you with me for a short 10 weeks. You were wanted so very badly.
I still remember all to well when I realized something was wrong. I just didn’t feel right. I awoke that morning to a severe upper abdominal cramp and a burning sensation in my nether-region. I made an emergency appointment to see the doctor. She did an internal, saw no reason for how I was feeling and sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was absolutely useless. He was so rough with me. It honestly felt like he ripped me inside from the internal ultrasound. The results from the ultrasound came back inconclusive. I knew leaving the clinic that it was over. I called your Daddy bawling. I knew right then, it was over. Everyone tried so hard to give me hope, but I knew deep down you were gone.
Today what I have left is your memory. Something I will never forget.
I am now carrying your baby brother. Things are going well, but I am feeling very nervous and worry constantly about something going terribly wrong. I guess all I can do is just put my faith in that he will join me here in February.
What would you have looked like today? Would you have had your sister’s bald head? Her dimples and beautiful smile? Would you have been a petite baby? Would’ve been dirty blonde too?
I guess I will find out one day when I will finally get to hold you in my arms, and hold you for all of eternity. I will see you one day when my time comes.