Its been quite some time since I’ve spoke of my miscarriage that happened earlier on this year. A lot of people probably figure that “oh, she got pregnant, so she’s moved on”… That’s not true. For awhile there, I found dealing with the pain of everything to be a lot easier. I felt like I could breath again for the first time in a long time. I felt more normal. Not that I’ll ever really know what normal feels like anymore; miscarriage just changes you. For anyone who has been through it – they’ll understand what I’m talking about. It’s hard to describe the feeling, you’ve simply just changed.
This past weekend, it dawned on me that I would have been 37 weeks – full term – had everything gone okay. I should have been excited right now to be able to hold my little boy or little girl in my arms in just a short few weeks. I would have got to see what he or she would have looked like, and had the opportunity to stare lovingly at this little being. This should have been such a happy time coming up, and yet it’s not. Everything is getting really hard again… The pain is beginning to burn more… The anger and guilt are reappearing. Life can be so fucking unfair. There’s been days I just want to bury my face into a pillow and scream, and I’ve definitely shed a lot of tears. October 10th is going to be one of the hardest days of my entire life, and I have to pretend to act happy that day because it’s my brothers birthday when really the walls will be crumbling down inside.
I’ll be the first to admit that yes, I am still grieving… AND… yes it is normal for these feelings to be reappearing as my what-should-have-been estimated delivery date is approaching. I’m sure once everything passes I’ll just return to the numb void. Nothing will ever stop me from loving or missing my angel baby. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of him/her.
AND – please don’t get me wrong – I’m very thrilled and excited about the little guy I am carrying right now. I truly am. I love him more than words can describe. But that won’t replace the little one I once had. It’s simply not that easy.