Yesterday marked 2 months since you spread your wings and flew to heaven. It was a very emotional and difficult goodbye. I still have your little image burned into my brain… I perfectly envision your little face, eye buds, arms buds as I looked down at you lying in the bathroom tissue. I was such an emotional wreck. It honestly felt like my world was coming to a close, as I had to say goodbye to you and wallow in my sorrows. Sure I may have only been 10 weeks pregnant with you at the time, but I already felt such a strong attachment and bond with you. Nothing can interfere or hinder a mother’s love for her child.
Life has gone on since you’ve gone, but one thing that hasn’t changed is the pain and hurt I feel. I try to wear my biggest smile when I’m in the presence of others, but in all honesty I’m still crying on the inside. The first few weeks after our goodbyes were okay, I thought I was coping all right. But then the pain really started to set in. I started to be taunted with pregnancy commercials, pregnant bellies (it feels like everyone is pregnant these days!) and pregnancy announcements. Honestly there are days I wish I could just burrow myself in a dark corner and never come out, just so I could catch a break from having to deal with this. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t harvest any ill feelings for those that are pregnant. I’m very happy for them… and hope that they realize what a true blessing their pregnancy truly is! But you also have to understand that, that should have been me right now. Its hard not to think of all the what ifs and it is also hard not to wonder if that will ever get to be me again.
I know with time things will get better, and the pain will indeed fade… But that won’t help diminish the hurt from all the memories. I’ll carry the memories with me for the remainder of my life.
Your Daddy and I speak of you often. Although he doesn’t show it, Daddy misses you a lot too! Your Daddy has been wonderful over the last 8 weeks putting up with a lot of my tears and moods. He understands, and proceeds to stand by my side. We’re trying to work through this grieving process together, which can be a little daunting as I like to grieve alone (that’s just how I’ve always been)… But I’m learning or at least trying to let people in.
I should have been 19 weeks this week, which would’ve meant that I would’ve had or been going to have my anatomy ultrasound any day now. Would you’ve been a boy or another little girl? We should have just found out. I always had a strong intuition telling me you were a little girl… Your Daddy and I both did… But now I guess we’ll never get to know. We can’t help but wonder who you would’ve look like, and how you are enjoying the heavens. We know you are looking down on us smiling, and are always by our side.
Although, it’s been two months I just wanted to put it out there that we still love you very much, and miss you dearly (always will).
Lots of love,