**I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve been going through a very hard time lately. I’m now ready to get this off my chest. I find that writing really helps me express my deepest and inner most feelings… Please understand that the following post is some what graphic, and does relate to pregnancy loss.**

JM and I found out we were expecting our second a little over 9 and a half weeks ago. The news came right before my birthday, and we were surprised but extremely thrilled. I really hadn’t been for telling our families right away, but JM was bursting and spilled the beans to his parents, so he did. I was extremely hesitant about the whole idea given my families history of miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Even thought JM told his parents right away, I opted to wait until 12 weeks to break the news to mine. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay first… it turns out everything wasn’t.

On Feb. 23, I had a bit of spotting. It stopped, but the next morning I woke up with a horrible burning sensation and upper abdominal cramp. On the 25th, I ended up going to the doctor. The doctor did an internal, and saw no reason for the spotting – she had such high hopes for my pregnancy. So she sent me to a walk-in ultrasound clinic ASAP. The ultrasound clinic was extremely sketchy. He had to perform a transvag ultrasound, in which I felt torn on the inside from afterwards… he was that rough. The ultrasound results came back inconclusive, as a heart rate couldn’t be determined. The baby was measuring 6 weeks 4 days, I should have been 7 weeks 4 days. My doctor received the results on the afternoon of the 25th, and advised me not to worry. She had seen many cases where a heartbeat isn’t determined and a week later it is. She placed me on bed rest until my follow-up ultrasound on March 5. Thankfully JM’s bosses were understanding enough and let him work from home to help me out with C.
I didn’t have any more spotting again until March 4. I went for my ultrasound on the 5th at another clinic. Within seconds of the ultrasound starting the tech chimed “I see a baby” which was followed immediately with “Oh have you had any spotting or bleeding? How much and when?” She was one of the those techs that really should have kept her friggin’ mouth shut. She told me the heartbeat was too slow to determine, and that my dates must really be wrong because she’d guess I was only newly pregnancy… That comment is what set off an alarm to me that something was wrong… I wasn’t newly pregnant – I was 9 weeks! I told her upon entering the room not to give me pictures of the ultrasound, if everything wasn’t okay. She sent me away with 3 pictures. Huge slap in the face right now, let me tell you. I had pictures of my baby that had passed away weeks before. 🙁 JM got rid of them for me, as I couldn’t do it. I felt guilty for even thinking of throwing them away.
On March 8, I went to the bathroom and I passed globby brown discharge, which was followed by dark red spotting. I called the doctor to see if my results were in. They weren’t, so my doctor ordered that they been on her desk for the next morning and I was to see her on the afternoon of the 9th. Come the 9th, my spotting had tapered off again. I ended up having to go to my appointment on the 9th alone with C in tow, as JM had tons of meetings that he couldn’t miss… I really wanted him there. My doctor was so upset for me when I got to her office. The second batch of results came back inconclusive. The heart rate couldn’t be determined, the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 4 days. My doctor informed me that she no longer had hope for my pregnancy, but that she couldn’t tell me it was over either based on the ultrasound results. She talked to me about miscarriage, and related to me as well – as she had just gone through and almost similar experience. She sent me to have my HCG levels tested and booked me for another appointment next week to go over how we’d proceed.
By Tuesday night, I was bleeding lightly. It started getting heavier come Wednesday, but tapered off Wednesday night into Thursday. By late yesterday afternoon, I was in soooo much pain that I couldn’t function. I was home alone with my 7 month old daughter, and I was howling from pain to the point that it was scaring the crap out of C. It honestly felt like I was having a strong contraction that would not let up. I felt horrible. I called JM and told him to come home from work. He got home just in time. He literally walked through the door, I passed C to him and ran to the bathroom. The moment I sat on the toilet I felt a huge gush. I looked in the toilet, it was a sea of red. I decided to wipe, and I’m sorry I did. I ended up wiping the fetus off, and holding it in the tissue. My doctor had told me odds were if and when I passed the baby, it would end up in the toilet and I wouldn’t have to see it. I was horrified and devastated. I ended up staring at the little bud. I couldn’t pull myself away. I could see where it’s eyes would have been, its arm buds… like I said I couldn’t pull myself away from looking… by this point I was still in a state of OMG… The hurt hadn’t sunk in. I put the tissue on the counter… I couldn’t bring myself to flush it. I looked in the toilet and noticed this lengthy thick cord like thing dangling from me. I couldn’t wipe it off. I started to freak out. I was screaming and crying for JM. I honestly thought my body was falling apart on me. My emotions were finally catching up to me. JM rushed into the room with C and just held me. I had my head in my knees I was crying so hard… I really wish C didn’t have to see her Mommy like that. The cord like thing eventually detached. Once I was some what calm, I cleaned up and left the room. I couldn’t bring myself to flush the babe, so JM did it for me. I felt so guilty about the thought of doing it… I can’t explain why… I just did. I’ve never cried so hard in my entire life, as much as I did yesterday.

I should have been 9 weeks 4 days yesterday… I should have been excited that I had been getting so close to the second trimester. JM and I had started planning out how our life would change by October, buying new carseats, discussing moving C to another bedroom… This should have been such an exciting time for us, except the last two weeks have been full of uncertainty, which has been complete torture to me emotionally. As much as I want to begin TTC again when able, I’m terrified to. 

Today is a new day and I feel numb, sad, angry, guilty… a whole slew of emotions. JM is staying home with me. I’m holding C so close today, and I realize what a true blessing she really is. I’m sure when I’m alone the hurt and pain is really going to sink in. I’m really dreading next week when he goes back to work.
I’m sorry for this novel of a post, but I really needed to get all of this off of my chest…

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