My side of the family has a long history of miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Given such, I was really sensitive about telling my parents about this last pregnancy. I had planned to tell my parents my happy news once I had reached 12 weeks… I was only 2.5 weeks away from that special day when I miscarried. 🙁
When I had found out I was pregnant with C, we told all our parents right away. I didn’t put two and two together the day I told my Mom, and ended up breaking my happy news to her on the anniversary of my little sisters passing. What an idiot, am I?! She was always worried after that day, that it was a bad omen and thankfully it wasn’t (I mean I have a beautiful little girl to show for that pregnancy). This time around I wanted to wait to make sure everything was okay, and as it turns out everything wasn’t.
I knew last weekend that things weren’t going well with my pregnancy, and went down to visit my Mom and planned to take her aside and talk to her. I feel out of anyone I can relate to her the most. She has so much life experience when it comes to dealing with miscarriages and the loss of a child – not that that is something to look up to or be grateful about. My Nana was over, and I never had the chance to talk to her. It kills me. I could really use my Moms support right now, and I have no idea how to even bring this up to her anymore. I feel so fucking guilty for not telling her sooner… Fuck! I ended up emailing my Dad about everything tonight, and asked him not to say anything to her. I cannot easily talk about what has happened to me with out bawling… I have the image of the fetus burned into my mind… I can’t walk into the bathroom that the miscarriage happened without starting to cry. Honestly I’d rather go to the bathroom in a bowl (if I could) then go into that bathroom. Things are really starting to sink in… the pain… the hurt… the guilt… the anger… Life can be so god damn unfair. I really think I should tell my Mom over the phone and not email… but I know that I can’t keep my composure and I really don’t want to bombard her after work one day by showing up at her house in person. God this is soooo hard. I hate this!! I know I’ll figure it out… My Mom is one of my best friends… I just wish I didn’t have news like this to break to her… Being a Mom myself I know how easy it is for a mother to worry, and I know it will make her worry about me that much more… I just could really use her support right now. *sigh*
Did I mention I’m dreading that tomorrow JM goes back to work for the first time, and I’m so freaked out at the thought of being alone…